To the Overlooked Mothers
It's our day too
Happy Mother’s Day. Or, more specifically, Happy Stepmother’s Day. This is a shout-out to the mothers no one talks about, those rarely acknowledged and often demonized.
Yes, demonized. Who hasn’t heard of the Evil Stepmother? The oft-depicted woman who hates the kids (Snow White), who steals the attention (and money) of the kind-hearted father (the Baroness Van Schrader of Sound of Music), who makes daughters scrub and toil their days away (Cinderella). You can even watch a whole three seasons of Evil Stepmothers to see the stereotype in action, a tale I might add that is rarely applied to Stepdads.
Yet we are, of course, not all evil.
I am a stepmother, and without a doubt, it has been the hardest role I have ever taken on (harder even than farming!). In highly functional families, where all the parents are friendly, attending events together and laughing over a drink…well, I imagine that is an easier path. But that is not our family. We are of the more dysfunctional sort, with almost constant aggression and hostility bombarding our home when the boys were young. The conflicts never stopped, even for a conflict-avoiding, happy-go-lucky man like my husband John.
I am sure I am to blame for some of it, but over the years, my presence has evolved into its own story, one that does not sync up with my memories. According to the tale, I mark the end of the good years, the time when Dad became too busy, when his attention was diverted. I signify the beginning of dysfunction, of conflict, and of interference (even if it really began years before I arrived on the scene). Even now, when the boys are older and wiser and understand more about the dynamic we experienced, there is still a blame I carry that no one else in the family does—a luggage set full of resentment, unfulfilled wishes, and projected disappointment.
But today, I will not take on that story. Instead, on Mother’s Day I will recall the love I gave unconditionally (just like a “real” mom does). I will celebrate in myself the fact that I gave parenting my all, even if it was not reciprocated or remembered accurately. I tried my very best, even if I did not “succeed.”
And today I want to acknowledge you too — all those out there who have raised kids but get no call on Mother’s or Father’s Day. The ones for whom there are no books or movies, cards or roadmaps; who took the time and energy, money and love to care deeply for humans who might never say “thank you.”
Thank you.
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Asa fellow stepmother I so appreciate this column. I was told many times (not by the boys) that I was not a real mother. I disagree. Being a mother voluntarily is an entirely different type of sacrifice and a unique joy.
Good piece. I know many "step" mothers. Women who are real, caring, and loving. Beth, your direct style gets my attention and applause