To the Overlooked Mothers
It's your day too
This is a repost of a post I wrote two years ago on Mother’s Day. Here’s to you, fellow stepmothers!!
Happy Mother’s Day. Or, more specifically, Happy Stepmother’s Day. This is a shout-out to the mothers no one talks about, those rarely acknowledged and often demonized.
Yes, demonized. Who hasn’t heard of the Evil Stepmother? The oft-depicted woman who hates the kids (Snow White), who steals the attention (and money) of the kind-hearted father (the Baroness Van Schrader of Sound of Music), who makes daughters scrub and toil their days away (Cinderella). You can even watch a whole three seasons of Evil Stepmothers to see the stereotype in action, a myth, I might add, rarely applied to Stepdads.
Yet we are, of course, not all evil.
I am a stepmother. Without a doubt, it has been the hardest job I have ever had (harder even than farming!).
In highly functional families, where all the parents are friendly, attending events together and laughing over a drink…well, I imagine that is an easier path. But that is not our family. We are of the more dysfunctional sort, with almost constant aggression and hostility bombarded at home when the boys were young. The conflicts appeared out of thin air, giving me more anxiety in my life than any other thing I have done. And my conflict-avoiding, happy-go-lucky husband, John? It hit him hard.
I am sure I am to blame for some of it, but over the years, the mythology around my presence has evolved into its own story, one that does not sync up with my memories. According to one my my stepsons, my arrival marked the end of the good years and the beginning of a period when I took up all of dad’s attention. I was the beginning of dysfunction, of conflict, and of interference (even though it really began years before I arrived on the scene). Even now, when the boys are older and wiser and understand more about the dynamic we all experienced, I still carry a blame no one else in the family does—a luggage set full of resentment, unfulfilled wishes, and projected disappointment.
But today, I have to remind myself not to take on that story. Instead, on this Mother’s Day, I (and I hope you too) will recall the love I gave unconditionally (just like a “real” mom does). I will celebrate the fact that I gave parenting my all, even if it was not reciprocated or remembered as I do. I tried my very best, even if I did not “succeed,” and I am proud of who I am.
So here’s a shout out to you—kind but maligned stepmother!! This is for all of you out there who have raised kids but get no call on Mother’s Day. The ones for whom there are no cards or brunches, but who put in the time and energy, money and love to care deeply for humans who might never say “thank you.”
I thank you.
The Iowa Writers’ Collaborative
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I see you, Beth. Love always wins and it’s amazing what the combination of time and proximity will do for perspective.
Thank you from a stepmother!